OPINION AND COMMENT:
Oh, The Places You’ll Go!
(With Nepotism)
By Ross Turner
In The Moment
Nepotism is having a moment right now. Arguably, this moment never ended, but it has found renewed vigor in the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Nepotism simply means favoritism towards relatives, usually expressed by their appointment to unearned positions. The word stems from the Latin nepos, meaning nephew, which during the Middles Ages became nepotismo in Italian. Nepotismo referred to the tendency of Popes and bishops to assign relatives to positions of power. Since they took vows of chastity and had no sons of their own, these assignments often fell to nephews. The word may be medieval, but the practice is as old as mankind. We are biologically hardwired to favor our kin over strangers, but this doesn’t mean that family is always fit for the job.
The Nepos Scale
History is rife with examples of nepotism that highlight its often disastrous consequences. From the formation and collapse of the Roman Empire, to countless mad kings lording over the realms of Europe, much bloodshed and tumult has occurred as a result of incompetent kin who never should have held power in the first place. Nonetheless, families can’t seem to help themselves and keep on appointing each other to run their businesses and countries (into the ground.) So, in the spirit of family, let us survey the Trump clan and see how far nepotism has taken them. To assist in our appraisals, I’ve developed a highly scientific metric called the “Nepos Scale.” Zero nepos is billing your toddler for diapers; five nepos is promoting your toddler to Director of Operations.
Ivanka Trump: The Golden Child
Ivana Marie “Ivanka” Trump is, without question, the crown jewel atop Trump’s golden mane of straw. You can tell because, in addition to being named after his first wife, Trump claimed that “perhaps [he’d] be dating her” if she weren’t his daughter. I’m no Freudian psychologist, but… yikes. Moving right along, Ivanka, like her father, attended Wharton Business School where she, like her father, received a B.S. in economics. Just a year later in 2005, she clawed her way up to an entry-level gig as Executive Vice President of Development & Acquisitions at the Trump Organization, as most college grads do. However, in an effort to shed her image as merely the privileged offspring of her rich father, Ivanka thereafter spent many a hot summer personally working her lemonade stand in the Bronx, slowly accruing wealth. Just kidding; she sold fine diamonds and gold jewelry in downtown Manhattan until dad decided to get into politics.
Meritocrazy
After her father won the presidency, the favorite Trump child was naturally part of the package. Highly qualified by her decades of experience as a person named Trump, Ivanka leveraged her greatest asset to become Advisor to the President. In this role she deftly represented the Trump brand abroad. So effectively in fact she elicited boos at the W20 Women’s Summit for praising her father’s famous “advocacy” for women, and later acting as temporary Secretary of State, because why the hell not? Her heavy-hitting diplomatic chops are best summarized by this unnamed Indian official: “We regard Ivanka Trump the way we do half-wit Saudi princes. It’s in our national interest to flatter them.” Of all the Trump children, perhaps none are tied to their father’s career as closely as the “quasi-First Lady” Ivanka, because again, the “quasi-incestuous undertones” are out of control.
Donald Trump Jr.: Cling-on Don
Donald Trump Jr., or “Don Jr.” as he is better known, is named after his father’s favorite person and thus enjoys a high-ranking in the Trump family hierarchy. As the first child of his first marriage, Don Jr. was destined for greatness, or at least overwhelming mediocrity. Establishing a purely coincidental pattern, he attended Wharton Business School where he, like his sister and father, received a B.S. in economics. The prodigal son then, determined to make his own path, eschewed the Trump Organization and worked the beat as a door-to-door shoe salesman, wearing out five pairs of his own before being promoted to district manager. Only kidding; he joined the Trump Organization a year after college, just like Ivanka. Among his contributions were launching something called Trump Mortgage, which folded within a year, and accruing hundreds of complaints with the Better Business Bureau. So, living up to his name in every way.
Like Father, Like Son
Don Jr. brought his signature… talent? to bear during his father’s 2016 presidential campaign as a “close political advisor.” In this capacity, he was part of the infamous meeting with a cadre of Russians in Trump Tower, a sentence which is not, in fact, ripped from a rejected Tom Clancy novel. He blundered his way into admitting this after it was already uncovered and is now in legal jeopardy as part of Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference. Though lacking the achievements and grace of his younger sister Ivanka, Don Jr. has endeavored to follow in his father’s footsteps by continuously lying on his behalf, avoiding jail, and looking like a low-level mafia capo dipped in canola oil.
Eric Trump: The Third Wheel
According to exclusive investigative reporting by Calamity Politics, Eric Trump is not a rumor and does, technically speaking, exist. Named neither after his father nor someone his father wants to divorce, “Eric’s” very name betrays his irrelevancy within the Trump clan. Perhaps because of this, he forged a marginally different path for himself… before joining the Trump Organization. That is to say, he didn’t go to Wharton Business School.
Golf Monster
He did, however, funnel money intended for sick children from his philanthropic foundation to the family business, including spending on golf courses. To be fair, is a world without pristine, gorgeous Trump golf courses even worth living in? Eric knows it’s not. When he isn’t stealing money from kids with cancer, Eric enjoys big-game hunting in Africa, probably the only time he willingly associates with black people. He was apparently a “key advisor” during his father’s presidential campaign, which would spell trouble for him if anyone cared to track down his whereabouts. Eric Trump Nepometer Rating: 3 out of 5 nepos
Tiffany Trump: The One That Got Away
Tiffany Trump, to her credit, is by far the most enigmatic and elusive of the Trump brood. After seeing the failure that resulted from the randomness of “Eric,” the Trump patriarch decided to name his second daughter after something closer to his heart: “Tiffany & Co.,” the famous jeweler and purveyor of fine diamonds, because it’s not Trump if it’s not terribly gaudy. (“Cartier” and “Buccellati” just didn’t have the same euphony, one supposes.)
Breaking The Mold
Everything about Tiffany breaks the time-tested Trump template to which his other children had previously adhered: she is the only daughter of his second wife Marla who raised her in California, received a B.A. in sociology, and generally has lived a relatively private if not highly privileged life. It is perhaps for these reasons – that she is not a half-baked clone of her father and was raised away from his toxic orbit – that she escaped the aura of shame that the Trump name normally brings. And it is for the same reason that by all accounts she and her father don’t share a close relationship. You dodged a bullet there, Tiff.
Barron Trump: The Boy Wonder
Barron Trump is the youngest child of the Trump pack and only son of third wife Melania. Clearly named after the famous Red Baron… brand of frozen pizzas, “Barron” is obviously meant to evoke the strength that “Donald” lacks. (In his defense, it’s a Trump family tradition to name the children after favorite brands – “Donald” comes McDonald’s, based on his father’s love of hamburgers.) Not much is known about the littlest Trump, but if history is any guide, he will receive a B.S. in economics from Wharton Business School and act as a key advisor to then Cyborg Emperor Trump, because every nightmare is a distinct possibility now. But at the present, he enjoys a decent reputation along with half-sister Tiffany, mostly because he’s 13. He may have big shoes to fill, but his hands, allegedly, are already Trump-sized.
Jared Kushner: A Series of Unfortunate Events
Though not a Trump, perhaps no other figure in Trump World has benefited more from nepotism than Jared Kushner. Kushner began racking up nepos early, getting into Harvard based on his father’s donations and affiliation with the school, according to journalist Daniel Golden. After his father was sent to jail in 2005 by none other than Chris Christie, Kushner took over his father’s real-estate business and promptly almost bankrupted it. He spent most of the next 10 years doing slimy business things that would make his future father-in-law proud, like buying The New York Observer and turning it from a respectable publication to a propaganda rag against his real-estate rivals. “This guy doesn’t know what he doesn’t know,” quipped the paper’s veteran editor-in-chief, Peter W. Kaplan, before he quit.
The Nepomaster
All of this was just child’s play compared to the opportunities that came Kushner’s way following the election of his father-in-law to the presidency. Despite being a lifelong Democrat with zero political experience, Kushner rocketed to Trump’s inner orbit where he remains today. His official title is “Assistant to the President and Senior Advisor,” but his laundry list of supposed duties and goals is as long as it is laughable. A sampling of his herculean tasks: leading the White House Office of American Innovation to make the government “run like a great American company,” modernizing the Department of Veterans Affairs, solving the opioid crisis, acting as head liaison to Mexico, China, and the Muslim community, spearheading criminal justice reform, and negotiating peace in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine. No, that was not a very long typo or a joke. Jared Kushner is the government. In fact, you’re only alive to read this because Jared Kushner wills it, so vast are his powers and competence.
Jared Can’t Do Things
Actually, no. Jared Kushner isn’t qualified to open a jar of peanut butter. Jared Kushner isn’t fit to lead you to the exit of an IKEA. Jared Kushner couldn’t negotiate a glass of water from a waiter. Jared Kushner doesn’t recognize his reflection in a mirror. Jared Kushner has never heard music. Jared Kushner thinks babies come from storks. Jared Kushner loses arguments to himself. Jared Kushner drinks soup with a straw. Not to belabor the point, but this is just to say that in all likelihood, Jared Kushner will one day be elected President of the United States.
