HUMOR: Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show
HUMOR: DOC TRUMP’S TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOW
By I.B. Freely
Panacea
COVID-19 got you down? Worried about the long-term effects of the most toxic and contagious viral infection since Spanish Flu? Fear not citizen! Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show has the cure for the most common ill of our age. And he should know, they don’t come much more common than frat-boy-in-chief.
A Spoonful of Toxin
Far beyond mere ‘science,’ this galaxy-brained very stable genius can know if a treatment will work just by ‘feeling it.’ The pandemic will soon be a thing of the past. Even if Doc Trump has to poison half the population to reach this seemingly lofty goal, which is really no more than his god-like job’s worth. Besides which, as any Dread Pirate worth their cocaine powder knows, a little bit of poison helps build up immunity.
No, Really, Go Drink Bleach
Crowning the tippy, tippy top off Doc Trump’s list of brilliant, perfect, foolproof cures is humble bleach. It obviously kills bacteria, so it must utterly obliterate viruses, right? Viruses and bacteria are exactly the same thing, after all. Don’t let the biased infectious disease “experts” fool you. The skull and crossbones warnings jugs are really more of a guideline, than a hard and fast “truth.” It has even been promoted by a baptist preacher, a group known to have never lied or even exaggerated about anything at any point in the 6,000 year history of the earth, who was kind enough to give a demonstration on how to inject bleach up one’s nose.
Some Light On the Matter
Imbibing cleaning products not your thing? The quacks are all agreed that the use of ultraviolet light is an effective treatment for COVID-19. The only real stumbling block is that said light would have to to be used on the molecular level. The president said it on TV so it must be true. Never mind that he has been caught in upwards of 20,000 lies in the last four years. Criticizing a president for dishonesty is like chastising an assassin for a lack of empathy.
Science, I Guess
For the superstitious types who will insist on having some ‘scientific evidence’ behind their miracles, Doc Trump has you covered as well. Whole heartedly supporting a wonder drug known as Hydroxycloroquine. A real actual, malarial drug, the name of which only sounds like a fatally toxic aquarium cleaner. So read the labels carefully, as the drug in its proper form poses absolutely not health repercussions or draw-backs whatsoever. Aside from the occasional fatal massive heart-attack. Then again, the higher the death rate from heart-attack and accidental poisoning the lower the COVID infection rate will be. A result sure to landslide the smartest man in the world right back into the Oval Office. Not that has anything to do with the price of coke in Columbia.
All Natural$
Natural remedies are also very important when it comes to battling COVID-19. Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show is in full support of making the magical plant Oleandrin widely available as a health supplement. As well as pushing the FDA to officially name it a cure for COVID-19. The fact that the plant in question is so toxic that a single leaf can send a rottweiler to join the Choir Invisible is just a technicality. As no doubt stated by MyPillow.com founder Mike Lindell during the White House meeting he was granted. The fact that Lindell was fined $1,000,000 for false health health claims regarding his pillow notwithstanding. Perhaps they could suggest cyanide or night shade next.
